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Is This Man Commitment Phobic or Are His Girlfriend’s Habits TRULY a Problem?   by Ms. HeartBeat

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:

I could write a novel here, but in order to get a response I shouldn’t murder you with boredom! I am in a relationship of two years. I am 30 and she is 23, though the age difference never seems to matter. We’ve lived together for a year now. She moved across the country to be with me. I love her and I know she loves me, but lately I am finding her incredibly annoying.

I am irritated to the point where I want to leave the house and be alone. There are certain things she could change to alleviate a lot of the irritation. But I think its too far ingrained in who she is to change (things like being too silly, and singing badly ALL the time)! Is it wrong for me to ask her to change?

I KNOW she would make an effort if she thought it was going to end our relationship, but is it fair of me to ask her? I know I can be petty and have a lot of issues myself (long time depression for one), but I am so annoyed and it’s getting worse all the time. Am I totally wrong to hope she’ll change who she is? I know I should love her for who she is, and I do, just parts of her literally drive me crazy. I feel like a complete jerk even thinking this way. Please offer any advice you can.

Signed,

Worked Nerves

Dear Worked Nerves:

Your complaints sound like a guy who is figuring out a way to dodge a serious commitment. Your behavior is SOOOOO TYPICAL!!!! I’ve seen guys begin to criticize their girlfriends because of her shoes, her religion, her nose, her teeth, her laugh – all things that they KNEW EXISTED BEFORE THEY GOT SERIOUS!!!Mp>
The way it goes is: things that your mate has done all along are now, suddenly, horrible. You want to be alone. You want to escape. You want her to be different. She bugs you — even though these things are nothing new. You begin to pick her apart piece by piece so that you can feel justified in withdrawing your love and moving away from her.
The fear of commitment is manifested in this way TYPICALLY by commitment avoiders dude. All that would happen is that you would allow these things to become larger than life, break off the relationship, feel good for a hot minute that she was gone, then go get her back because you love and miss her, and the same sick cycle would start all over again.

You can ask her to stop singing so much because the noise irritates you. You can tell her to grow up and be more mature. But what would be the purpose? That is who she is – a happy, silly, lighthearted, full of song young lady of 23! You knew that before she moved to be with you, so this is nothing at all new! Why would you want to kill her spirit and energy and drag her down with criticism after a year together?

We are supposed to love and appreciate our partners, with all their little quirks and funny ways JUST AS THEY ARE. I mean, the habits she has are nothing harmful to you. You accepted them for a year now. And dude, every single woman you meet is going to have things about her that you just don’t care for! There is no such thing as A PERFECT WOMAN, so don’t even waste your time looking. I had to accept the same, NO PERFECT MEN. Believe me, I was devastated! (grin)

If you can find one, pick up a book on men and women that avoid commitment and read it. I had a good one around here… He’s Scared, She’s Scared I think it was called. Someone borrowed it and I have not seen it since and I can’t remember who I gave it to. Mp>
Anyway, THAT is the issue here. It has really little to do with her – this is your stuff. It may even be connected to your depression… maybe you want her to be as solemn as you are and are somewhat resentful of her upbeat attitude?

Do some deep thinking and figure out what is going on with you. The answer is within and has nothing at all to do with her habits.

Problems in your love life getting you down? Help is available with the click of a button! Help Me Ms. HeartBeat!

About the Author

Ms. HeartBeat has been a favorite of advice seekers all over the world since 1997. For more dating and relationship articles and advice columnns from the irascible Ms. HeartBeat, please visit her site at http://www.askheartbeat.com!
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